The Pressure to Label Your Identity
If you consider yourself part of the LGBTQIA+ community, you’ve likely felt pressure to label your gender or sexuality. Even if you’ve found such a label, you might have experienced judgment from others questioning your identity. “Just pick a side,” they might say. Or, if your relationship presents as cisgender and straight, folks may question your identity as a queer person. These pressures and judgments feel awful. So how do we deal with them?
While we can’t control other people, we can control ourselves and have plenty of choices, both personally and relationally. Rather than ignoring the problem, we can cultivate self-confidence and set boundaries as necessary.
Cultivating confidence starts with turning inward and listening to the parts, thoughts and feelings that arise as we consider our identities and what they mean to us. For example, you may discover internalized biphobia, putting pressure on you to identify as either gay or straight. Another part of you might be confused, while another part of you might be judging your confused part. What is your confusion saying to you? What does your judging part need? When we’re able to separate ourselves from our parts, thoughts, and feelings, we achieve greater awareness, feel more grounded in ourselves, and are better able to move forward with intention.
Setting boundaries takes many forms, and what’s best for one person may not be best for you. For example, when interacting with people who judge, critique, or tear you down, cutoff may be the best and safest option. A true sign of whether a conversation or relationship is worth your time and energy might be the presence of curiosity, compassion, and a sincere attempt to understand the other person–or the lack thereof. If these qualities are present and you feel safe enough, you might advocate for yourself, your parts, and their needs. When others question your identity, you might respond with the following examples:
“I don’t feel the need to put a label on myself right now, as I’m exploring my identity.”
“Right now I think that I’m bisexual, but I may realize something different later on.”
“How my relationship appears to you is not a full reflection of my [and/or my partner’s] identities.”
You may or may not want to educate the other person depending on the level of trust and safety within the relationship, as well as whether that is something you’re comfortable with. At the end of the day, you do not owe anyone any explanations regarding how you identify. With or without labels, your own peace matters most.
Finally, a note about labels. Though they can be helpful, we’re entering a time when many people don’t feel the need for labels, many opting for “queer” as a sufficient, catch-all umbrella term. Others within the LGBTQIA+ community may not identify as “queer” due to past trauma and ways that term has been used against them. It all depends on the person and their journey of self-discovery.
As someone who identifies as gay and queer, I am familiar with the journey of discovering more about who you are, integrating those parts, and bringing those parts to your community. If this is something you’d like to explore with a therapist, schedule a free consultation so we can discuss your needs for therapy and whether we are a good fit for one another. It takes courage to seek support, but together we can explore more of who you are, the relationships you want to engage in, and the life you want to live.
