The Act of Remembering

“If only he could be a little more like Annabelle, for whom nothing had ever been more important or meaningful than right now. Even when she looked to the past, she reveled in the act of remembering without resentment over it being from another time. The act of remembering was a new moment, a new experience in itself.”
- Bobby Finger, Four Squares

I love this quote because it challenges the binaries of past and present, mind and body. Annabelle’s experience blends the two, for in her memory of the past, she experiences it anew in the present. Though reflecting in her mind’s eye, remembering becomes a new, embodied experience in the present moment.

It’s challenging to live life like Annabelle. We often get stuck in the past, mired in shame, guilt, or trauma. Indeed, these feelings or parts of ourselves might be saying something important. Whether calling us to forgive ourselves, make amends with someone, or help our wounded parts heal, there is a valid time and place to go back to the past and tend to it. However, there are times we want to move forward, which I don’t think means letting go of the past.

The past shapes who we are. Every choice we’ve made has led us to where we are today. Lessons have been learned, connections have been made, boundaries have been set, and ultimately, life has been lived. Having a past to reflect on, no matter the feelings it brings, means we’ve been given life.

One important caveat: if you’re unable to look back on a moment from your past without resentment, pain, or hurt, that’s entirely okay, too. Be gentle with yourself. There is no expectation that you should feel a certain way about anything that’s happened to you, especially where there’s been harm or trauma. Ultimately, do what’s going to be empowering and healing for you. If it’s rewriting a narrative or your life story, making you a victor instead of a victim, go for it. If it’s processing a traumatic memory with your therapist then never revisiting it again, that’s okay too. If it’s cutting someone off because the relationship has been nothing but harmful or abusive to you, then that is more than necessary. You might not look back on those memories with any kind of gratitude, but they might become less painful. Like an injury that heals but leaves a scar, it might be a part of you, but it doesn’t have to own you. You are the author of your story.

For all of us: may nothing ever be more important or meaningful than right now. May we look to the past and revel in the act of remembering without resentment over it being from another time. May the act of remembering be a new moment, a new experience in itself.

May we be present to right now.