Coming Out, or Letting In?
If you’re queer, LGBTQIA+, or part of any sexually marginalized community - kink/BDSM or consensually non-monogamous (CNM), to name other examples - you’re likely well acquainted with the idea of “coming out,” or letting others know about some aspect of your identity. While this has often been considered par for the course , it doesn’t have to be, and some might argue there’s a more empowering way to think about it.
Anyone who’s come out knows how liberating it can be. Knowing yourself and being known by others can reduce distress or shame, foster connections with others, and clarify personal values and the life you want to live. But is coming out, as we’ve come to know and define it, necessary?
Critics of the phrase “coming out” argue that it unduly places pressure or obligation on the person whose identity is being regarded. In other words, they have to come out, because to do otherwise is duplicitous, deceitful, or inauthentic. We owe the world the truth, the thinking goes; full transparency about every part of who we are. But indeed, no one owes this to anyone.
Notably, it may not be safe to let others know about certain aspects of your life or identity. Yet even if it is safe, you may not feel the need to tell everyone about every part of who you are. There are parts of our lives and our identities we may wish to keep private; this is valid and legitimate in its own right. In a culture that prizes authenticity, especially as a means to connection, we may feel pressured to disclose everything about ourselves, particularly to those closest to us. But ultimately, each person should get to decide for themself whether or not they want to share different parts of themselves, and if they want to share, which parts, with who, when, and how.
Let’s say we want to share parts of ourselves with others. How might we approach “coming out,” or letting others know about important parts of who we are? Rather than the traditional approach of “coming out,” letting in might be a better, more empowering approach. Whereas coming out might bring to mind keeping secrets or the need to go public, letting in empowers us to consider who we want to let in and why we are giving them the opportunity to do so. It reduces societal pressure and puts the power back in our hands. Not everyone can be trusted or needs to know every part of who we are — and that’s okay.
As you consider various parts of yourself and your experiences with coming out or letting in, I invite you to reflect on the following:
When has coming out been empowering, and when has it caused undue pressure or harm?
Which parts of yourself are you comfortable sharing with others, whether co-workers, friends, acquaintances, loved ones, or strangers? Who might you want to share these parts of yourself with, and who might you not want to tell?
What do you desire for different kinds of relationships and which approach - letting in or keeping private - helps meet those needs?
Whether you come out with, let others in on, or keep private any part of your identity, the decision is and should ultimately be yours. If it’s empowering and authentic to you and fosters the relationships you desire, then I think you’ve found your answer.
